Eto napapala ng natutulog sa bus. Lumalagpas ng 4 stops at naglalakad pabalik. #Exercise #Walk #Singapore #Sidewalk
The second time I overdosed,
my body couldn’t handle it,
and I threw it all up.
I texted my dad saying,
“I think I took a little too many pills”.
And every time I’ve overdosed,
I always downplay it.
I’ve always tried to act
like it wasn’t a big deal.
That having the urge to swallow a whole bottle of pills
was something daily that normal people do.
My dad hurried home and saw the empty bottle
and he shook me to make sure I was awake.
I kept mumbling “I threw it up.. I threw it up..”
while I was drifting off to sleep.
He had to wake me up every 15 minutes
to make sure I was okay.
Let me tell you now,
it is a big deal.
The third time I overdosed,
I slept through first and second period
and passed out in the counselor’s office.
I didn’t want to go to the ER.
I just wanted to go home.
All I wanted to do was sleep.
Again, I just said,
“I think I took too many pills this morning.”
The fifth time I overdosed,
my dad found the empty pill box.
I hallucinated, I had a fever.
I couldn’t move my legs.
All I could do was scream,
“Don’t take me to the hospital this time.
I don’t want to go!”
I became friends with a girl who had overdosed
she’s one of my best friends now
and when I heard she was hospitalized as well,
it just makes me realize how real this problem is.
A couple months ago, another friend of mine overdosed.
Do you realize how fucked up it is,
that I’ve done it so many times
that I know the exact procedure that she’s going to go through?
She messaged me saying,
“I took a bunch of pills,
but I just realized I didn’t want to die.
I don’t know what to do.
And I’m screaming at her over the screen
that she should throw it up and call 911
because sometimes when someone you love
decides that they hate the world,
that’s all you can do.
You can’t teleport through the phone.
You can’t travel through the internet.
You can’t be there to hold them
and take them to the hospital.
Your love is not charcoal that can
absorb all their poison in their life.
I know, love that you would have done all you could.
Sometimes words aren’t enough.
Sometimes love isn’t enough.
Sometimes a person needs to try dying
to know that that’s not really what they want.
There’s nothing you could have done.
You’ve done all you could.
Just keep loving them.
But you see the thing is,
I got lucky.
I’ve made it back from 5 overdoses
without a scratch on me.
But that’s not always the case.
My favorite teacher’s stepdaughter
locked herself in her room and overdosed.
To this day,
her stepmother still has a scar on her heart.
To this day,
on the anniversary of her death,
her stepmother still stays home from school
on the anniversary of her death.
Her sister is in a bad mental state,
and so is her biological mother.
Her family has fallen apart.
You overdose because you think
you will get a peaceful release from death.
It’s not peaceful.
It is not like falling asleep.
It is convulsions, vomiting,
muscle spasms, fevers,
and sharp stomach pains.
An overdose is not instant.
Hollywood has you believing,
that an overdose
is how a lady should exit the world.
As quiet as she came in,
Peaceful and unnoticed.
You will go out kicking and screaming
and wishing you hadn’t taken them.
6:03 p.m. (I think I’m done overdosing)
Dedicated to Rae
Must read this!!
Happiness is having a new pair of (kill my feet with those heels) boots.
I think my first kiss kinda went like this…
I saw a somewhat dark alley in the corner and we both went there.
I looked up at him to say something when suddenly…BAM!
My back was pressed on the wall
His lips descended into mine, cutting all my thoughts
I remember my eyes wide from shock
And me thinking, “Heck, I don’t know what to do.”
Before I had any chance of figuring out the right move, he slowly pulled away
He looked at me and I was suddenly aware of my wide eye expression and unresponsiveness to his kiss that I blurted out, “I will do better next time!”
And he laughed.
When in Singapore part 1
Ever since I decided to sashay my way out of "The Safe Zone" (my term for comfort zone just because everybody is set on making me feel safe and cared all the time), I’ve often find myself on the wrong side of the road a.k.a. lost. Literally lost.
I blame it on the hardly-use-because-we-have-a-driver-who-makes-it-possible-for-me-to-get-where-the-heck-I-want-to-be-without-a-fuss. And I do believe my instinct is high enough to save my ass but not fast enough to tell me I rode the bus on the wrong side of the road and I’m getting farther from my destination. I don’t know if there’s anyone in history who keeps on getting lost on their way to work for 2 weeks, even if the route they take is the same. Oh wait, there is one: me.
And like relationships, I was able to move on from that by (literally) moving somewhere else. As a believer of everything, and therefor everyone, has a purpose, I knew in the back of my mind that this side of me will one day reveal its meaning. Yes, I do believe that there’s a purpose why we have to get lost sometimes, and this week I think I finally have one of the answers.
I had to go to my company’s HQ in the city because I freakin’ write the wrong account number for my bank account so I was late in receiving my salary. They prepared a cheque for me that I should personally get from the accounting staff there. An afternoon adventure of going to the city coming from school alone and guess what happened; surprise, surprise! I got lost. First is in trying to find the nearest MRT station to my school by walking which I later on abandoned the mission and instead hop on a bus. Then it’s finding the HQ building because I seriously can’t remember the name of it, even to which floor it is located.
By the time I finally accomplished my mission, I was sweaty and tired with a threat of headache on its way. Maybe that’s the reason why even when going home I still got lost. Another surprise!
I was supposed to board the East LRT (I know this) but for some reason I convinced myself that I should board West so West it is. I soon realized my mistake when it announced the name of the next station (which obviously is not the one I’m expecting. Duh) so I got off on the next station to board the train going back but the other line is out of service. No choice but to board the next one again and sit through the journey until it’s back on the station where I can board the right train home.
Unlike the other stations I’ve been, this one is less populated and later I’ll realize why. The train finally arrived and because there are not many people, I was able to find a nice place to sit. I noticed that many of the stations in the West Line is not yet in service, meaning we will just pass by it. “Good,” I thought, “I’ll be home faster.”
I was staring at the view in front of me, construction sites to dense forest when suddenly it opened up to a big coastline. The beautiful sea in all it’s glory with the sun setting, spraying orange and yellow in all direction. I can’t even blink from the beauty that was revealed in front of me. The place is still being developed that’s why many of the stations are not in service, there’s no one who lives nearby. I find the place untouched by civilization eerily beautiful as well (specially those empty stations covered in leaves and dust with thick forest as backdrop).
I know I would never got a chance to see this without my dysfunctional sense of direction or if I panicked when I realized I’m on the wrong train. All those times when I always end up farther from my destination has been a preparation for me to witness this scenic beauty.
Because no matter how little sense it makes (or maybe none at all), there are things that can only be found when we ourselves get lost somewhere.
Basically I just read a book (The Stange and Beautiful Sorrows of Ava Lavender), watched a movie (Winter’s Tale), updated Rhino’s apps, ate pancit canton and washed my comforter and bed sheet the whole day.
I can’t say it’s not productive but it’s the kind of thing I don’t usually do since my arrival in SG. I just find it so hard to do all the things that usually take up most of my time in PH, like reading a book and watching movies.
I really enjoyed reading after 2 months of shutting myself out from bookstores and printed text. I realized it is something I will always come back to. It’s like a piece of myself is already attached to it.
Or so I thought.
Your mattress looked so comfy, I couldn’t resist lying down there with you.
You were such a sweetheart when you put your arms around me and buried your face in my chest.
I was so touched and I can’t help myself from saying, “I like you.”
It was already too late when I realized I’ve spoken in English and you heard me clearly because I whispered the words in your ear.
But you made everything alright when you said, “I like you” back.